Day 21

What’s cool is that I now have to count how many days it has been since the break-up. What’s not cool, is that I am still counting. I think I have realized something necessary about myself during this process, and I have never thought myself to be this kind of person, although I think that it is common: if I am not in a relationship, I like to at least see potential relationships on the horizon, or have someone that I am seeing/sleeping with to keep me occupied. I am not sure that, even when I was single, I was ever really content being by myself. Sure, I enjoyed being single, but that is because I get the perks of dating without any of the bad shit. As in: I have people to do fun things with, and I can get laid if I want to, and I get the opportunity to get to know people and have them get to know me, but- I don’t have to tell anyone where I am/when I will be home, I don’t get into arguments, and I don’t get bored. 

  I have always thought of myself as someone who can be happy alone, but I just don’t think that is the case. When I reflect back on my being single, I always have at least one person that I am seeing, and thus am never really all that alone. Part of being single for me, also, is that I can talk to whomever I want without repercussion. That doesn’t mean that I’m giving my number out to every guy I come across, and sleeping around- it just means that I enjoy getting to know new people, and even though I immediately think strictly platonically about almost every guy I meet, I enjoy the freedom of getting to talk to anyone I want without worrying about offending or misusing the trust of my partner. 

  Here is what has happened: Remember how I said I was already talking to other guys? Well, I have exchanged numbers with a few fellas since the break-up- mostly just to exercise my right to do so, because I have had zero interest in any of them. However, there is one guy, who I happen to work with, that I somehow decided that I was interested in enough to sleep with. Now, there is nothing particularly interesting about him for me. In fact, he is in general the opposite of the kinds of guys I date (which is maybe why I am drawn to him after a shitty relationship with the kind of guy I usually date.) He is quite a bit younger than me, doesn’t seem all that interested in having a deep connection with me, is in a very different place in his life than I am, and is a bit flaky.  I knew all of this going in, and decided to sleep with him anyway- several times. Here is the upside: The sex with my ex was good, but only because we had three years to make it good. It certainly did not start out that way, and it was never mind-blowingly good, like where when I would mull over the possibility of us breaking up, the sex would go into the ‘Pros’ category of him as a partner. It was just mediocre sex that became as good as it could be with three years of practice. However, as I mulled over breaking up with him in the past few months, the sex did occur to me. Mainly because I was worried that it might be a long time until I could find someone that I felt like sleeping with, and thus would have to resort to a much less interesting alternative. 

  But then…enter: Work Dude. Not that attractive to me at first, but just attractive enough after a night of drinking with co-workers. So we slept together once, and then again, and then we started texting/calling each other just about every day, and slept together again, and the thing is- the sex is just as good with this guy as it was after three years with my ex.  Rebounding can be a double-edged sword though, and here is why: It was really, really good for me to see that I can find other men that I not only find attractive, but who are good in bed, and have attractive personalities as well. Without this discovery, you can get caught up in some pretty shitty thoughts about ‘But what if I never find someone who is –>insert quality here<–‘ And those are exactly the kinds of thoughts that can lead you to call an ex that you have no business rekindling with. On the other hand, though, as in my case: If you start to catch feelings for your rebound person, and the feelings are not reciprocated, you are now dealing with almost a double break-up. You start to combine the feelings, and then are feeling terribly shitty about rebound guy not liking you when in fact, you are probably still dealing with an array of emotions from the initial break-up, and then lumping them onto this other person. 

  In my particular case- I probably wouldn’t even like this guy if given a little bit more time with him. It is just the fact that he has the audacity to not like me!? Of course I want to chase him. So now here I am pining over him while I’m pretty sure he is off on a romantic trip with another girl, and I am no longer going to talk to him (except at work because we have to,) but instead of shrugging it off and chalking it up to incompatibility, I am now revisiting all of my feelings of ‘But what if I never find a guy who does…’ 

  So be careful with the rebound situation. And be realistic about how much time you need between relationships so that you don’t end up making a few inconsequential dates into one big, long, shitty relationship. 

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